Enigmatic Prodigy

Bad Habit

2006-03-01T23:19:00.000+03:00

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.
It worked for me, but I didn't keep track of the days.
I haven't craved soda since. No fizzy fix.
See, it came easily since I didn't think about it.
When it comes to you I can focus on everything else,
but you're always there. In my peripheral vision.
Not only in the back of my mind, but even further.
But you're still there. Natural. Where you belong.
You're stuck in the little shoebox of my mind,
snuggly fit between my addictions and obsessions.
They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.
It took 21 days for you to become my habit.

Extraordinarily Ordinary

2006-02-06T00:38:00.000+03:00

Would anyone want to settle being called ordinary? Is being ordinary safe as it is seen or is it becoming more of a rarity? Who defines what is ordinary? Since everything is changing constantly and it's kind of hard catching up with everything. Everything that once seemed peculiar is widely accepted and practiced. While the opposite stands true, common or general codes of conduct are deemed taboo or 'ancient'. Is it just me or is everyone taking the whole 'rebel against society' theme too seriously these days? I can understand the need to grow as an individual, props to all who had the courage to follow that tune, but is it being exaggerated just a tad bit too much?

It's like a sin to be rational, sane, safe... just plain normal. Everyone wants to feel special in someway and if they look hard enough, they'll find out that everyone is special in their own way. What I find interesting is that people are always trying to compete, within themselves and with others. How far can I go? How far till I can be unmatched? How far until I can be branded 'the one and only'? A few years ago, I would call that ambition, but now that would be an insult to all you truly ambitious people. Ambition is a personal goal of realizing dreams and gaining success that can be measured within ones self, and not compared to others. It's a rapidly accelerating epidemic that shows no signs of slowing down.

I always wanted to feel special, but now I know that I am. It doesn't mean I have to set myself away from others. I can blend in and still be distinguished. It took me awhile to realize, but it is more worthwhile to just be. It takes far more energy to be ordinary than others would like to think, and that in itself is extraordinary.

"You're unique, just like everybody else." - Anon

Food for Thought

2006-01-23T00:21:00.000+03:00

How do you compare the average thinking
mind who keeps on plugging day after day,
task after task, pushing, pushing to achieve,
and the bright, the brilliant, the clever,
the quick thinking mind who is too lazy,
too quickly distracted, too scornful of the
task to accomplish anything?

Just Incase

2006-01-19T22:36:00.000+03:00

Incase you didn't notice,
I've been studying you for a very long time,
Incase you didn't notice,
I decided to take a risk and commit the crime.

It took me weeks to reach my decision,
I thought about it with immaculate precision,
It came naturally and I felt no regret,
I was sure I made the winning bet.

I planned it through with steps to take,
Perfectly staged without a mistake,
I held my breath for more than a pause,
Knowing in my heart it's not a lost cause.

I gained results and witnessed progress,
Making sure my intentions showed less,
I'm determined to continue my mission,
working endlessly to realize my vision.

I didn't wait for fate to call my number,
I didn't want to meet you in my slumber,
I took life by the reigns and acted quick,
Finally knowing I could choose and pick.

I don't blame luck for feeling this sensation,
It's only when opportunity finally met preparation.

Just incase you didn't notice.

Shaikhna, Shaikh El 3ez Wel karam

2006-01-15T10:09:00.000+03:00

Shaikh Jaber Al Ahmad Al Sabah, a man who led Kuwait through turbulent times and managed to raise her head up high, resilient and brave. In my eyes, he will always be the ruler of Kuwait, since he was the ruler of Kuwaitis hearts. He signified the best of this country, this proud country that still stands today because of his loyalty and unconditional genuine love to his country.

This man was more than the Emir, he was the person that others dream to be like, the modest, considerate, kind-hearted man that are so rare to find. The man that would rather stay in a tent in the middle of the desert than in the lap of luxury. A man connected to his roots, grounded by his heritage and never forgot where he came from. Kuwait was his precious pearl that he protected with his life. He had the best interests for the country and it's people. And we will live by the legacy that he has left behind, in hopes that we can learn from his wisdom and admirable qualities. A leader beyond others, a man that stood in the face of evil, a shaikh that I have grown with and will always look up to.

Allah Yer7emek Ya Bu Mubarak
(1926-2006)

React

2006-01-10T18:26:00.000+03:00

I can never know you.
I don't know what makes you tick, what makes you wince, what makes you dart your eyes to the side.
What makes you raise your eyebrows, what makes you smirk, what makes you laugh till your sides hurt.

What if I knew, would it actually matter? Would you pay attention, would you call that thoughtful.
If I had a mental checklist to refer to, like a doctor checking a patients symptoms. Analyzing.
Is that sentimental, or pathetic. Wise, foolish, or both? Would you do the same?

If I know you back to front, dissect every word, thought, action, reaction, movement. Would it be worth it?
What would I gain. Knowledge? Is it? Would it be useful, or a burden?

I don't want to know you. I just want to understand. I don't want to bear your actions. Emotional weight. I'll observe, and understand. And most importantly, accept. I won't try to fix you. I'm not the doctor. My standards are mine, not yours. I'll accept you.

I can never know you. That would take a lifetime. Change is constant, but I'm finite. I won't ask why you do what you do, why you act the way you do, why you think the way you do, that's your responsibility.

No matter how long you know a person, you can never know them for sure. They're endlessly molding, and you can't keep up. That's only talking about the tip of the iceberg you can actually see.

I've exhausted myself trying to study human behavior, I'm going to retire and start my own advice column.

Intangible

2006-01-08T23:04:00.000+03:00

In a moment of despair
my battle is unwinding,
I catch a glimpse of what might have been
and urge myself to turn around,
to resist,
to persevere.
Weakened soul and frail heart,
twinge in the possibility of faint warmth.
Relentlessly they have stood,
proud,
brave,
for an ideal they hold up high.
As high as where you are,
and which they know they'll never reach.

Accomplish

2006-01-07T20:35:00.000+03:00

Challenge.
Progress.
Growth.

I feel accomplished. I've received something I don't think I necessarily deserve, but got nonetheless. I wouldn't have felt a void if I didn't, nor would I blame myself for not getting it. It was that something that I've waited for for so long. The ironic thing is that I didn't realize I needed it until the moment I heard the news that I got it. I wasn't actively working to achieve it, it came by so suddenly. My intentions were practical, and it caught me by surprise. A pleasant surprise. Months and years passed by, I was positive that I was slowly losing it. I had to face reality and come to terms with it, even though a glimpse of the memories I had always hit my weakest spot. I failed myself, I felt betrayed by myself. I let it go so easily, even though I knew it deserved a fight. It's been too long.

And now, when the opportunity presented itself, I brought some of my memories back to life. To reminisce. To look back at times when I knew I felt fulfilled. Times where I challenged myself and ended up with results. Times that I don't want to miss anymore.

I failed myself. In a bizarre twist of fate, my memories didn't fail me. I exhibited them, put them on show. For others to see, and for me to face what I've neglected for so long. I needed to grab that chance to put myself at ease, to be in denial for a moment in time. It was a bittersweet situation. I didn't expect anything more than me contemplating the past. A therapeutic mean to feel a sense of purpose.

I've received alot of things in the past, but what I got today is a wake up call. I'm still in a daze. Not in my wildest dreams would I have thought that this is how it would play out. I'm grateful.

It is surreal. I feel as if the past is taunting me, telling me to get the hint. Today it was tangible, I have evidence to prove it. The most wonderful thing is that I didn't even see it coming, and I didn't have the slightest hint, nor could I have imagined it happening. It's too good to be true. It's a tiny gesture that has changed alot.

What happened today is symbolism at its best.

Bed No. 7

2006-01-05T00:40:00.000+03:00

That's one resolution down the drain. I managed to get myself in a messy situation again. Yesterday night I was rushed to the ER. Had plugs and wires attached to me, got the dreaded IV drip again,got an injection, got a blood test, had a xray, and wore the oxygen mask all in a matter of minutes. I don't want to go into details, but I collapsed because the muscles surrounding my left lung shut down and were pressuring it and so I had a hard time breathing.

While I was in the bed, I looked up and saw the number of the bed. It was my special number 7. It was like a sign saying "hello jinx!". What are the odds. I smiled under the mask and rolled my eyes.

Random

2005-12-30T00:49:00.000+03:00

I will never give my mother the remote. Ever. Again.

I was happily watching mbc4, I forgot what they had but it was pretty late. Around 2am. When mommy dearest snatches the remote control. aka 'hatha eli eghayer el channel' when she's lost for words. It got me thinking, why did they name it the 'remote'. Food for thought.

And then, the toture begins. First, she started to humor me by switching to Mauritanias channel They had a woman playing a one string instrument while she attempted to hum to the melody. Key word being attempted. Pretty badly to say the least. My mother said it was (quote) relaxing (/quote).

And then, she changed to another channel which was showing Mortal Kombat. My fav is subzero. As soon as the battle scene began to start. She flipped the channel.

And then, she switched it yet again to the 'arab tourism channel'. We were watching fish swim around while marquees floated across the screen with the word 'relax'. I wasn't relaxed when the stingray got really close to the camera man! He could've died!

She was on a roll, she continued to attack the remote control. I just stayed quiet through the whole ordeal. I had no power. I was just subconciously shaking my head.

And today. I was proved again that I always manage to place myself in the most random and weird situations.

Like having a shoe flung at me at a sports store in Milan. Managing to blurt things out that would definitely embarass others if they were in the same situation as I am. Getting my bag lost for 3 days while on a 5 day trip.

Another way of putting it would be being a 'gubis'. aka jinx. A major one. It's not funny. There are other countless events but I'm too drugged up on medication to think.

So, today I was in the doctors office and she checked everything because I had a terrible cough and had a fever coming on. Next thing I know she keeps rambling about something. I was literally lost in translation. She was like 'yadda, yadda, yadda enti betkhafesh emn el obar?' (Trans. are you afraid of needles?)

I replied by saying no with a question mark on my face. What did that have to do with anything?

She then writes up a paper with a whole set of numbers and tells me to go to the ICC. I still don't know what that stands for.

I go down there and I see a bed. Usually, when an injection is involved it takes place in the doctors office. Or is my memory failing me? So I sit down and next thing I know a nurse comes along and tells me to lie down. It might be a new kind of procedure and the beds really comfy, I thought to myself.

The nurse proceeds to tell me that it might hurt just a little bit since its going to be injected under the skin. She wants to see if I'm allergic. I was dumbfounded, I looked to the left and saw shelves with stickers on them. 'IV cap', 'IV tube' and that sort.

It was no biggy, it would be over in a second. She injected me and it stung. She told me to stay put for 15 minutes. I complied. She then came back and told me that I wasn't allergic. I was just about to get up for her to do the rest of the job, but she grabbed my wrists and started looking for veins. I started laughing nervously. "What are you doing?"

"Oh I'm just looking for a vein". Alritey then. Weird place for an injection! She proceeds to check my arm and then goes the other arm. "Good God, there are no veins! They are soooo tiny, difficult to find!"

By now, I started chickening out. "Can I think about this?"

"Found one! Ok rest your arm, and clench your fist" She gets her tools to her side, and I see it! The IV drip thingy! And a humongous injection full of what seemed like blood.

What did I get myself into! I have never had a IV drip and starting laughing at mysellf. I always have to get myself into these situations.

She did her stuff and slowly started pushing the liquid into me. I could feel the pressure. I told her it hurt and she started rubbing my hand. "It will be hard for people to find your vein if you get sick!" She said concerningly.

"I hope I don't get sick!" And I hope I'll be cautious next time.

Silent Bond

2005-12-27T17:36:00.000+03:00

How could he do that? How could he just go find someone else when they had a silent vow of always being for each other? She didn't want him when he was younger, he was just a kid, and she was mature for her age. She was bored with his constant hints and nagging, making him look more of a child in her eyes. He would always be there, on the sidelines, watching her from afar but always wanting to know how she is, where she goes, what she does. She could be a kid when she was with him, just be herself. He was a closed book, and she didn't even want to try to decipher him. She thought that would be giving him unnecessary attention. As the years passed by, they were still in contact with each other. She knew that he was hers, even though the hints started to fade away. She enjoyed the feeling of having someone who was always there for her, it boosted her ego. She was always the one to suddenly cut all connections and to check up on him whenever she was in the mood. She always felt sorry for him, his whereabouts and news always reached her, not that she ever asked. She was confident that his relationships will never last more than a few months, he was not the kind of person that would open up to anyone. He didn't even open up to her.

Even though each one of them has met several other people and were busy in their own lives, they always checked up on each other. She always had the notion that he'd never initiate another relationship after the failed attempts. That was the logical thing to do at that time. Because he was always interested in her, she thought that he wouldn't think of someone else 'in that way'. Until she heard some shocking news, not from him, but from a person really close to her. Why was this girl obsessed with him? What was so special about him? Why did the girl beg to just hear his voice over the phone? She kept staring at her in disbelief. The girl kept on rambling about how they met and that he's always on her mind. The girl talked about how they knew each other for a couple of weeks and then suddenly he didn't return her calls.

She couldn't believe it but she kept her cool. Why did she care anyway? It's not like she didn't know any other guys and he was free to do anything he wanted to. When the girl left, she called him straight away, asking him questions, she liked to get straight to the point. There was fury in her voice, even though she stayed calm, it was evident in her tone. He felt it. She only asked a couple of questions, but that was enough. She said she'll call later because she was on her way home. He cooperated. She called when she got home, but he didn't reply. She stayed up the whole night, calling every single minute. It wasn't her style, she was cool and reserved. She felt violated that day, like she was cheated. Technically, she wasn't. But she knew there was something more to the whole situation, and she was determined to find out. She didn't call the entire day. But he did, she knew he would.

She heard the whole story, and was confused. She was surprised by his actions and her reaction. She felt over-protective but had no right to. She knew that almost too well.

To be continued.

Comic Relief

2005-12-26T17:50:00.000+03:00

I would be sated if I could spend the whole day watching reruns of Seinfeld, Frasier and Becker! I can relate to each and every character in some kind of way.

Elaine: "I mean hey, I'm a nice person. When I see freaks on the street I don't stare, but I'm careful not to look away. See, because I want the freaks to feel comfortable. That's nice for the freaks."

I love Elaine the most, she is so unpredictable and is always ready for whatever is thrown her way. She has the perfect answer and reaction to everything.

Elaine: "She said looks aren't that important to her. The point, George, is she likes you."
George: "Oh, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking."

George on the other hand is a hopeless case. He is always desperate to find a woman, and when he does he tries his best to intentionally screw it up.

Kramer: ... You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...
Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered!
Kramer: Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
George: As a suspect in a serial killing.
Kramer: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.

Cosmo Kramer always finds himself in weird situations and being the eccentric person that he is, he just manages to make sure that he puts his own unique twist into it.

George: "Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?"
Jerry: "Here."
George: "Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves."
Jerry: "I'm trying."
George: "I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together, at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man."
Jerry: "Then each of us would only have to be like a half-man. That sounds about right."

Jerry, the epitome of succinct witty phrases. He doesn't say alot most of the time but yet it's more than enough. When he does say more than a few words,he usually delivers them in a cool demeanor with a hint of a sarcastic tone. And when he gets irrational and anxious, his eyebrows do all the talking. Adorable!

Ambitious?

2005-12-24T23:24:00.001+03:00

"At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since." - Salvador Dali

I can relate. I have the desire to accomplish everything, given unlimited energy, time and endless amount of funding, I know I can.

I wanted to be:

a cardiologist
a radio host
a director
a racecar driver
a teacher
a counselor
a psychiatrist
a singer
a TV persona
a celebrity
an entrepreneur
a designer
a jeweler
an athlete
a globe trotter
a UN relief worker
a missionary
a principal
a jockey
a lawyer
a philanthropist
an engineer
an architect
a sailor
a meteorologist
a soldier
a detective

These were on the top of my head and I know for sure there are alot more I didn't cover. I would be depressed if I didn't accomplish at least one of the things I aspire to be. So far I've managed to be (in my own right):

an artist
a photographer
a comedian
a poet
a writer
a scriptwriter
an actress
an executive director
a peacemaker
a movie critic
a journalist
a tour guide
a class officer
a babysitter
a caretaker
a public speaker
a listener
a sister
a daughter
a grand daughter
a tutor
a student
an underpaid employee

I think that evens things out quite considerably. There's alot I didn't mention, for the sake of being modest, which I know might be surprising considering the egocentric nature of this post.

NB. The story series that I've been posting regularly will be postponed until further notice. I'm going to be working on it and post it in increments when I'll be done with it entirely.

Intrusion

2005-12-22T15:03:00.000+03:00

He never imagined that it would end up this way. She knew that there was no other choice. They were inseperable, but the situation they faced only had one possible result. They had to go their separate ways. It was the same old story they had heard and talked about constantly, parents disapproving of their daughters suitors. They always used to secretly feel sorry for people that had to go through that because they were positive that they would never have that problem.

He was a charmer, everyone who knew him loved him and the people who didn't always heard about how kind he was. He was the eldest son and took care of the family business, they were well off and was fortunate enough to have a family where modesty ran in their genes. The family had authority, on others and on himself. They cared about their reputation, apparently more than they cared for their son.

She was the perfect daughter, intelligent and mature for her age. Determined and ambitious, everyone thought she was tough as nails; whatever she wanted she would get. Little did they know that she was just like a snail, hard on the outside just because she was too soft on the inside. She fed on independence and never really cared what people thought of her. As long as she treated her family with respect and represented herself with what she perceives as acceptable, she was safe.

Society however begged to differ.

She remembers the incident as if it was a scene from a movie she watched a million times. It rewinds and plays over and over again. It wasn't the first time they had gone to the movies together, on the contrary, it had begun to be a weekly ritual they both looked forward to. They were both old enough to have a cup of coffee together without looking suspicious and could glance at each other across the boardroom while the others busily jotted down notes that they would discard when they get back to their offices. No one ever noticed anything more than a platonic friendship between them just like no one in the boardroom noticed that most of the people there were passing their time doodling on their notepads.

She was tilting her head waiting to feel his shoulder accomodating her while she yawned ever so slowly. She wasn't into sci-fi movies, so she was fighting to stay awake though the whole ordeal. She found it amusing to see how enthralled he was, the bright lights picking up on his features while she would catch a hint of a smirk or his eyebrows wrinkling to form a frown as the plot thickens and the sound becomes deafening. She laughed outloud, the scenes on his face were a movie on their own. It was an afternoon movie and the theatre was almost empty, except for a couple of girls and a few families scattered around, she felt comfortable and at ease. No one would notice they were there.

"I know that laugh!" she heard a girl say. She didn't think it had anything to do with her, so she kept chuckling to herself. She noticed that a girl four rows ahead of her turning around and scanning the rest of the people, her head was darting left and right and stopped in her direction. She felt anxious and tensed up waiting for the girl to turn around, but she didn't. She tried making out who the girl was but she could only see the outline of her body and head. The credits rolled a few seconds later and the lights slowly dimmed in. The girls eyes were locked on to her. She tried focusing again and noticed that this girl wasn't a stranger.

It was her sister.

Testify

2005-12-19T21:54:00.000+03:00

No,
I won’t tell you that you’re my life,
I won’t lie and tell you you’re the air I breathe,
I can’t look at you and say that I can’t live without you.

I will admit that you make life more worthwhile,
I can say your presence feels like a breath of pure, fresh air,
I confess that I want to share the experience of living with you.

Yes,
There is a chance we will have differences,
There is a probability that we will drift apart,
There will be obstacles we will trip on.

I will not give up on you,
Only if you don’t give up on yourself,
I will grow with you,
Only if it’s in the straight path,
I will compromise for you,
Only if it doesn’t harm my dignity.

That’s a promise I will keep,
And live up to,
Not forever,
Just as long as my heart keeps beating.

Heh

2005-12-19T00:15:00.000+03:00

He awakens by the sound of the prayer as it fills the steady silence, climbs out of bed and heads to the bathroom. He slowly opens the faucet and the cold water trickles down. He gets ready to cup the water with his hands, but turns his head to the left towards the window. The glaring light of the car blinds his eye for a second, but he was used to it. He could hear clinking of keys, showing a struggle of opening the door. He hears heels clicking for a second and then what it seemed like a noise of them being dropped on the ground. He could hear shuffling of quiet tip toes, a stealth manoeuver he quickly became familiar with. He looked back at the basin and noticed his hands were overflowing with water. The water he was carrying splattered all over the basin as he quickly withdrew his hands from each other. He gripped the sides of the basin with all his pressure, but his anger resided instantly. At least she came before I finished praying he thought.

Fix You

2005-12-16T00:40:00.000+03:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse...

When the tears come streaming down your face, when you leave something you can't replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?

Cont.

2005-12-06T22:33:00.000+03:00

She stepped out of the plane, unaware of what lay ahead of her. The endless scenarios played through her mind throughout the whole flight, but she knew she could never be prepared. Her weapons were futile, even though she spent years as a recluse eagerly sharpening her battle skills.

With her handbag in tow, she stepped up to grab her suitcase, eyeing it from afar, she followed it as it came closer. Pushing her handbag to the end of her shoulder, she quickly grabbed the handle with both hands and lifted it before it sped away. The suitcase suddenly felt lighter, but she was still in the process of lifting it. Confused, she noticed that a man standing next to her had bent down and grabbed the lower end.

“Let me help you.” He effortlessly cradled the suitcase, grabbed the handle and set it down next to her. With a quick smile and nod, he was gone. She only managed to whisper a thank you.

She walked past the massive throng of eager travelers, looking for a familiar face. A face she knew all too well, a reflection of her own. She stood still amidst the chaos looking straight towards two women. They were heading her way. She recognized her sister, who was a slightly older, more conservative version of herself, but was more curious to see who the woman in the wheelchair was. She looked like her grandmother, but that couldn’t be, since she passed away two days before her 10th birthday.

Only a few feet from each other, it took her a second to register the fact that she was facing her own mother. She instantly leapt forward, grabbed her mothers face with both hands and kissed her head. She was always welcomed with a full, thick bed of hair but now her lips met a cold scalp concealed by few, weak strands. She couldn’t keep up with the whirlwinds of questions that were racing in her mind. Her brain failed to acknowledge what her eyes were seeing.

Untitled

2005-12-04T23:46:00.000+03:00

She held the piece of folded paper in her hands, just like she did whenever she felt alone. Her hands rehearsed the routine, unfolding it upwards and then to the right. In perfect center alignment, the letters rested upon the emotionally heavy piece of history. Her fingers lingered along the words, stopping at the last encounter of the pen with the paper, she hoped that she would lift her hand and the ink would stain her cold fingers. Warming the tips, pulling her back to the past. She couldn’t bear to look, knowing that time passes but the words will stay as they were. Frozen in time.

I’ll be waiting…

She gave a great sigh and slowly began to close her eyes, folding the paper back as it was. That paper was all she had, the rose that accompanied it died a many years ago. She wondered if the emotions that represented the tangible objects still existed, or met the same fate of the rose; slowly wilting and surrendering to its destiny.

“Ma’am…”
She was startled by the sudden voice.
“Would you please fasten your seatbelt, we’re starting to descend.”

Is It Really Ever Over?

2005-11-30T13:51:00.000+03:00

Can relationships ever end? Even when the memories are still there? Memories serve as portals to past moments in time, and for a brief second you're taken back to relive them in your mind. Unless you have your memory erased, only then can you literally say that relationships end, or better yet, even seized to exist.

Relationships, however old, don't just end, I believe they become dormant. Inactive, but still there. Regardless the outcome of the relationships, they shouldn't be forgotten.

Life starts like a level terrain, a tableland, safe and stable. You grow through different experiences and in the land of life, you witness a metamorphosis. The image of mountains, success; while valleys, failure. Streams of happiness and dark clouds of hate. Every experience transforms into a landmark. The once bleak and empty area of earth gradually changes into a diverse exhibition of nature. It finally has character.

Every experience is important; especially the ones that leave a bitter aftertaste, since you'd value the sweetness in life by comparison. Not to mention that you'd be more aware of warning signs in the future.

I never feel any animosity towards anyone who has failed in maintaining a relationship with me, whether it may be of: natural causes (drifting apart), an unresolved arguement, or the other person manipulating/lying/acting plain evil. I thank each and every one that has had a direct or indirect affect on my personality, mainly the ones who made me wiser, even though they had cruel intentions, I reaped the benefits of their actions by counteracting it to educate myself. And to the memory of those who always make me realize that there are good people left in this world, I appreciate the opportunity I've had to have known you.

Like dormant volcanoes, all have had a history, and will always have their emphasis. For that reason, I feel it is disrespectful and degrading to say that relationships end after all they have contributed to your growth.

People can be selfish, but not to that extent.

Motivation

2005-11-29T20:54:00.000+03:00

I have tremendous self-motivation, in my opinion, I can do anything and everything. I call that idealistic optimism, but I like the fact that I never bring myself down. I'm confident that I can accomplish whatever I have in mind, but being over confident keeps me from actually initiating anything. I would think 'I know I can do that, doesn't mean I have to do it'.

I have the potential.

What I don't like about myself is that I only showcase my talent and reveal what I'm capable of only when people underestimate me. Either by saying that I simple can't do it, or other signs that indirectly demean my intelligence. I automatically get defensive and secretly prove to myself that their accusations are false (even though I know that they were false to begin with). I tend to give the extra effort in whatever I do only when I'm challenged.

I'm not a competitive person by nature, but I guess this kind of motivation can be beneficial, only when I challenge myself and not compete with others.

Pride also comes into play, I never want to feel incapable. (Which I know is impossible, but still strive for).

Nonchalant

2005-11-26T21:42:00.000+03:00

People under pressure tend to lash out on other people, feel stressed, get moody, and focus entirely on the project/task in hand. Determined to get rid of it as soon as they can, like flaming coal in the palm of their hands.

Yes, I'm supposedly under pressure right now, with projects and mid-terms hours and days away. Under these circumstances, I would do the unimaginable just to deter my train of thought away from the obstacles at hand; to kill time.

I once painted my room during finals week, I had a months old can of paint and decided it was the best time to start redecorating. The rate of my outings increases tremendously, without any specific cause. My relaxation is at its peak, since study days are rest your beautiful mind days.

I flip through random notes for a few minutes and persuade myself that thats enough studying. I truly believe the more you'll study, the more you'll forget. And when I get served the test, I go through it as fast as I can, I hate being questioned. So far, I haven't had appalling test grades, just enough to keep me satisfied and challenge myself to decrease my amount of studying next time.

But I seriously need to get my act straight, just because I owe it to my group members. Being a laid back person can annoy others.

Similarities Attract?

2005-11-22T14:43:00.000+03:00

Everyone knows, or will know in the near future, that the initiation for every friendship, relationship, or any kind of 'ship' including two people is the notion that 'opposites attract'.

Now, several studies have been put together about how opposites attract and why, I do believe that opposites attract since two people complement each other and can balance their personalities.

But... do similarities attract? Of course while getting to know a person, you might want to share a common ground, something you can both relate to. Sharing interests is a must, but sharing almost all of your interests is kind of boring.

Being complete opposites or entirely the same is like a double edged sword, it has both advantages and disadvantages. Being opposites gives you a whole new perspective on things you wouldn't even think about, it can also make you a well rounded person. Being the same makes you share your interests with a person that you know already enjoys the same things you do, making it more worthwhile.

There has to be a balance, where you might be more different than you are the same with a person, but thats the beauty of having a variety of friends, you don't have to share everything with just one person.

However, it gets frustrating when you want to pursue a hobby and have no one to join and motivate you. So, I guess I need someone who's similar more than different than I am right now. I've spent alot of my time adapting to other peoples interests, but a select few have even tried adapting to mine. Unfortunately, all my interests are a minority.

"You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Why I Write - My Version

2005-11-17T23:21:00.000+03:00

The following are short excerpts from a paper I wrote...

"To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
- E E Cummings

Writing is an art form that gathers whirlwinds of concepts and thoughts to create a distinct masterpiece of an array of words that have been carefully chosen and placed in a precise pattern to express an idea, emotion, or opinion. The beauty of writing lies in the fact that the writer is the sole guardian of his words, which are recorded encryptions on paper of subliminal messages that are exclusive to ones essence. A blank paper is an eager canvas, waiting to witness an explosion of endless mixtures of colors, textures and sensations. The writer has the power to create a personal manifestation of his dreams, a profound declaration of freedom.

Personally, I believe that grammar has a definite impact on the outcome of a certain piece of writing. Any person can write and blatantly explain what they want to talk about; however, a writer is a person who takes careful measurements to tailor every exact word to fit flawlessly and harmoniously with each other. A writer strives to use his words eloquently to garner reciprocity from the reader.

When I write, I usually do so just for myself. I do not aim to please or gain approval from my reader. My reason for writing is to lay down all my private thoughts, feelings and emotions and have certain anonymity when doing so. During the process of writing, I have a feeling quite like opening flood gates, a rush of pent up concepts vigorously finding their way from my hand, to the pen and then on the paper. It is a freeing experience, but it always seemed like the freedom a helium balloon would experience when it is cut from its string. Although it is free, it is set adrift in an unknown direction; the ability to stop it remains on the blank paper in front of me.

...writing about my own experiences has always been therapeutic since it allows me to evaluate myself and the situations I may be experiencing. For that moment in time, I have control over what I am thinking and I can explain myself without any hesitation. The flow of thought gives me the chance to document my feelings, describe myself and write down my memories. My journal is a guidebook of the person I currently am, and bears witness to testimonies that have defined and shaped me throughout the years.

I rely on my mind in such a way that I figure out the most efficient way to describe who I am. I am the only director of my words. I am the protagonist in my story.

The only aspect that differentiates us from the rest of the population is the capability to establish a meaningful, incomparable sense of being. The way that writing differs from many different methods of communication is that it shows a viewpoint that can only be understood when succumbing to the power of the author. An authors prose is a certificate of an original personality, an ego courageous enough to be distinguished from the rest. By writing, an individual can overcome personal barriers that he once knew never existed and reach a state of self-actualization that unleashes the strength of the mind.

Why Do I Write?

2005-11-15T22:11:00.000+03:00

By Synthia Robinson-Pack

Why do I write?

Is it to achieve fame and fortune,
To become the envy of others?
To place myself amongst Shakespeare, Thoreau and Maya Angelou?
No, that would be greed.

Is it to be an artiste,
And utilize my creativity as only I can do?
To become a Raphael, Michaelangelo or Mozart?
No, that would be presumptuous.

Do I write so that I may see my words
Put down into perpetuity
For others to read when I am gone?
No, that would be only a paper immortality.

I write for reasons deeper and much more selfish.
I write because I am compelled by a need
To express what I see and hear within myself.
Snapshots, little vignettes that have to be expressed.
It is a strong innate drive that propels me,
Thrusts me outside of myself
And onto others.

I write because I understand how small I am
In this intense universe that is being formed
By a God so vast and simple
That I must praise Him with my words
That flow from my heart.

I write because I have to cleanse myself
Of these incredible thoughts
That form themselves within me.
It is my joy.
It is my sorrow.
It is my pain.
Writing is my medicine.

I write because I see things differently
Than others do.
I see things in beautiful colors
And in muted, mournful tones.
But pen them in black and white.
I write because it is my world.

A world that frees and liberates me
Yet shackles me with thoughts
And ideas that come and go
In the middle of the night
Throughout the day
They flow past.

I only reach out and catch them.
Holding them briefly
To write them down
So that others may see
What I am.

This is because I am a writer.

Patience

2005-11-12T21:54:00.000+03:00

I just want to hear his voice.
Just a faint word will make everything alright.
His voice, full of life, can be heard miles away.
It booms, energetic, making you smile.
A mere whisper will make the burdens slip away,
The heavy load will feel like a birds feather.
His laugh is contagious, whole hearted, genuine.
Larger than life, exudes spirit.
I will do with a breath,
I have to do with a breath.

L'Amour

2005-11-08T22:55:00.000+03:00

"You know you're in love when you feel like you've been together forever, but that it hasn't been nearly long enough."

Love, always a sensitive subject, and has endless possibilities of analyzing it, and you still can't reach a solution to the deafening question, what is love? Everybody seems to have their own personal definition, but when can you know that it is 'love' you're experiencing and not admiration, adoration, infatuation, or lust?

Personally, love is not a word that stands on its own, there are many factors that are incorporated within its meaning. Love is an ideal and can only be reached with sufficient amounts of trust, respect, loyalty, and commitment. Love can be found everywhere, but of course there are different types that fall under different categories. Love for your family, your friends, your mate, your country, your work... the list goes on and on.

The love I'm more interested in observing is the mutual relationship between two people. Most people look for partners that have close to perfect traits. But also, these standards seem to decrease through time. People see the not so perfect traits in themselves and become more accepting of others. I don't want a perfect person, just a person I see as perfect. It all leads back to the observer, it depends on what you WANT to see, what you notice and what you disregard.

It's a known fact that people are not flawless. They have done mistakes, been through experiences that no doubtedly made them stronger people. But it's safe to say that this doesn't apply to everyone, there are exceptions that are hard to unmask. I think that it's strange how people care more about a person's family rather than the person. Being from a respected family doesn't automatically brand you as a respectful person, and vice versa. Yet, there are people who do not learn from their mistakes and burden others with their existance. And these are the type that people should avoid, only when help is futile in their case. Everyone could be helped, but not everyone could be cured.

Also, another tricky situation is when to determine that the feeling that you are feeling is mutual, you enter an awkward phase that is blurry and has no definite conclusion. Your heart and mind seem to be in constant conflict and your intuition fails you by not giving you enough signs that you can decipher. Even though, that is the bittersweet taste that infatuation leaves. When does infatuation end and another chapter begins?

If the transition phase is successful, you can immediatly notice that you are more at ease, more yourself (if you weren't in the beginning) and more comfortable. Drama doesn't occur alot, because you know each other more than you'd like to, and you gain knowledge of the other person as days pass by. Flaws seem to be honorable marks that distinguish the person and you can't help but want to help by caring. Your actions are less based on instinct and you use your head more than your heart. You know the person, you care for them, you will always be there for them, and you are realistic. There are obstacles to be faced, and the experience will not always be a joyride.

I used to think in an idealistic way, knowing that there is a 'perfect' person out there. Now, I'm more realistic, looking within myself to gain some introspection. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't expect others to be. I accept people as they are, because I know I want others to accept me as I am, including my many many imperfections.

Take away the physical features, the name, the heritage, all aspects that a person can identify with, and you have yourself a person. A soul with a character, that's it. Nothing more, nothing less. If you can overlook that, you have overcome boundaries.

However, I know society plays a huge role in this subject, but implemented misconceptions about who you SHOULD look for is slowly breaking away. You should look for whoever completes you and complements you, how sad would it be to face a person who is exactly like you?

Love is patience, love is tolerance, love is strength, love is courage, love is compassion, love is reciprocity, love is selflessness, love is self-love, love is sacrifice, love is achievement, love is growth, love is progress, love is friendship, love is interdepence, love is unconditional.

I could go on, but I'm not willing to continue writing till tomorrow.

When you understand the subtle meaning of love, only then will you completely begin loving genuinely.

N.B To each his own.

A Long Time Ago In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

2005-11-06T02:10:00.000+03:00

Finally finished watching Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of The Sith. I've been waiting for it to come out on dvd for months! I have all the episodes and now I can finally move on to watching the last 3 episodes. I know I'm supposed to see the last 3 and then start with the latest additions, however, I choose to do it differently. I shall admit that I was one of the anti-star wars cult and always wondered how many die-hard fans exist all around the world, and how all of them are so 'nerdy'. Key word being 'was', thankfully I'm not anymore. I also knew that the movies had something special, if not they wouldn't be the highly grossing movies of all time. I decided to give it a shot and ordered episodes 1,2,4,5 & 6. I immediatly began watching and became enthralled, I was literally in awe. I felt so foolish for not watching it earlier. I've had many people comment about my fascination with star wars and whenever I try to explain to them, all I could say is "don't be quick to judge".

Star Wars is just a metaphor for many different situations, people, objects, movies, and endless other things. I was quick to generalize and decided that Star Wars was just a nerdy movie, now it seems like they have the best of taste, or that means I'm a nerd. Anyway, point being is that first impressions stay with you for a very long time until you decide to dig further and investigate otherwise. Normally, I would have an impression about a movie, for instance, and base my judgement from that initial exposure. That judgement could stay with me for my entire life, but I'm not even giving the movie a chance. I also acknowledge that first impressions are important in distinguishing the good from the bad, and that first impressions last the longest. However, I debate that we are exposed to impressions, but we have the choice to base judgements upon them. Sometimes, these judgements don't serve the person or situation justice. I assume that most people judge subconciously, without thinking or debating. I think that process is too quick and that we always blame it on our 'gut instinct'. Yes, it may consume more energy and time deciding whether it truly is worth seeing that movie, you might even have to do a little bit of research. You could either be left the same and somewhat annoyed, or enjoy an experience that you'd otherwise not even imagined.

In my case, it took a movie to make me realize I should look deeper.

Eid Mubarak...

2005-11-03T00:46:00.000+03:00

Tomorrow is a holiday, a time to celebrate, to gather with your family and enjoy their company. For the past couple of years, my version of this holiday is not what you would call a typical one.

Severed ties with my fathers side of the family is an old issue that has been going on for well over a decade. I have not seen my grandmother, aunts or uncles, except for one, for quite a long time. People might think it's unfortunate and pity the situation that I'm in. However, I could not be thankful enough. There are times where you have to make life-altering decisions, however risky they are. I'm glad that my parents took that plunge and made the necessary changes. They saved us from them. I can't imagine how I would've turned out if I was still in touch with them. Sure, I have lost one side of my family, but I have my sanity intact.

Now, as for my mothers side. Relations began to deteriorate after my grandfather passed away. He was the one that made sure everyone was present in every single occasion. Also, the same case applies to my mothers side of the family, since I have alot of aunts and uncles, everyone of them is too busy in their own lives. My grandmother and a couple of aunts are the only ones worth keeping in touch with. I don't remember when I last saw any of them.

Basically, this holiday will consist of spending time with my immediate family. Not the extended one. I'm not a big fan of this holiday since it reminds me of how I don't have 'normal' relatives that I can actually visit. I seriously have no idea how ALL members of both sides of the family are mentally disoriented in one way or another. I can handle having a couple of weird ones, but all of them? That is just sad.

That also leads me to another sensitive subject. I believe I'm normal, by common sense. And I keep wondering if all my relatives believe they're normal too. This is more from a psychological perspective, how can all of them think they're normal from the not normal things they do? All of them are educated, come from semi-stable families, and should know right from wrong. But I believe there's more to investigate about. There are alot of skeletons in the closet which I'm determined to expose.

The last time my dad went to see his mother, she asked him why we (his children) never pass by to see her. He replied by saying that we were old enough to make our own decisions and we know what things to do that will be in our interest.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Self-Esteem

2005-10-31T19:36:00.000+03:00

Excerpt from an article in Oprah's magazine:

People who don't feel great about themselves feel even worse when those around them do well. When they say,"Who does she think she is?" what they really mean is "How dare she exceed my expectations of who I think she should be?"

Leveling: When you attack other people in your mind or to their faces, you're really trying to bring them down to the level where you think you are.

"Who does she think she is?" also translates to "Who do I think I'm not?"

Real self-esteem comes from being able to define the world in your own terms, by knowing where you stand and refusing to abide by the judgements of others. There will always be people trying to "level" you or bring you down. Rather than conform to their ideas of what you should be, you can make the choice to show them who you really are.

24k

2005-10-30T00:18:00.000+03:00

Have you ever tried to mess with things that are supposed to be in the past? Opening closed doors, uncovering dusty files? When curiousty gets the best of you and you open what seems like pandoras box, unleashing memories that you tried so hard to contain in the old shoebox compartment of your mind.

Personally, I don't like living in the past, because I won't be able to live in the present.

I can say I've had my fair share of drama at an early age. I've been exposed to different people, been lied to, been manipulated, been used, been taken for granted. My personal experiences with people I've befriended and realized that they shouldn't be bothered with started and ended in a relatively short time span, giving me the chance to start catching early warning signs of low-life, blood-sucking leeches that slither around. I am not a loner, or am I anti-social, I am generally an extremely social person, but when it comes to my close circle of friends, admittance is extremely rare.

I've noticed that people who I've been surrounded by for many years are still acquaintances, but people who I've met for a couple of weeks have caught me by guard. I've always heard and read about people who you instantly click with, but how do you identify the exact variable that leaves your mouth wide open with amazement? The initial phase of befriending someone can be seen as idyllic, you have everything in common, your conversations never seem to end, and can't wait to find more about the other. Then, the trial and error phase kicks in, your preconceived thoughts diminish and you come to see the person through different perspectives. After that, the filtering phase starts, you tend to favor some friends over the others and you become more comfortable with your decision. You then realize that the friends you've forgone are becoming distant and you wonder what in the world did you have in common.

Then the true gems stand out. Like diamonds in the rough, they have to be dug out and taken care of to expose their sparkling personalities that are a rarity these days.

Frustration

2005-10-29T14:44:00.000+03:00

I've noticed that alot of people say that something will change 360 degrees and I, being the modest person that I am, tend to be quiet in such situations. I don't want to tell them that if something turns 360 degrees, it will end up the same place as it started.
That brings me to another unusual point, whenever I am being asked a question, regardless by whom, I tend to answer as far as my knowledge allows me. On countless occasions, I realize that some people like to contradict me. Not because I may have my facts wrong, but just because they can. Sure, sometimes I do have my facts wrong, but most times I don't. It's really funny at times, observing people when they try to prove me wrong, they get really hostile, verbally violent at instants. They get defensive, for whatever reason it may be. There have been numerous occasions where I try to help a person, but a handful of people advise the opposite. Obviously, they go with what the majority says, and when the result shows up, they keep quiet. I don't boast about how they should have listened to me, I just keep it to myself. For that reason, I've noticed that sometimes when trying to help people, it will only backfire. Sometimes.

"He is twice the conqueror, who can restrain himself in the hour of triumph."
- Syrus

Why help? If I was a mentor I would understand the logic behind helping a person, it would be my initiative. But being a regular person who may have a degree of knowledge, I don't understand why when I help people they:
A) Take it for granted
B) Expect me to know everything
C) Contradict me

I have nothing against helping a person, I enjoy doing that, I get a sense of accomplishment. I'm not generalizing, just ranting about a select few.

Psychopaths!

2005-10-26T19:27:00.000+03:00

Right before breaking my fast, I skimmed through the local newspaper and read a very interesting article to say the least. Beside the article was a picture of a man wearing an army uniform, hat and all. His face was blurred out. The title of the article caught my attention, it said something about a student imitating the personality of an army officer and terrorizing women.

How disturbing is that? It turns out that this 'imposter' is a 27 year old university student and he gets a kick out of wearing the uniform and sexually harassing women. I guess the uniform gives him a sense of power and authority. Also, it turns out that he confessed to 27 cases of burglary in different areas in Kuwait. The article also stated that "his hobbies included German cars", and that he had a master key that could unlock all Audi cars. He would stalk women and examine their daily routine to figure out when the best time to attack was, he would unlock the cars and grab everything in sight.

That is extremely sad.

Femme Fatale

2005-10-26T02:33:00.000+03:00

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
- Adrienne E. Gusoff

Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.
- Kelly Robinson

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Susan Ertz

When milk and poison come together, the poison does not become milky, it is the milk which becomes poisonous.
- Indira Gandhi

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best creation has to offer.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Power is the ability not to have to please.
- Elizabeth Janeway

There are only two ways of spreading light - to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
- Edith Warton

A good listener is not someone who has nothing to say. A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.
- Katharine Whitehorn

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
- Marie Curie

I have discovered that patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.
- Joyce Meyer

Indifference to the most of the things that worry, trouble and poison to most people is a wonderful lubricant for life.
- Vicki Baum

Happiness shouldn't be a goal. It isn't something you can achieve, it's a by-product of what you do.
- Dorothy Rowe

Women never have young minds. They are born three thousand years old.
- Shelagh Delaney

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."
- Judy Tenuta

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.
- Mignon McLaughlin

There are more women looking at men than there are stars looking at the earth.
- Venetian proverb

My mother was desperate to get me married. She used to say, "Sure he's a murderer. But he's a single murderer."
- Joan Rivers

Juliet, dagger plunged into chest, was pure machismo compared to Romeo and his delicate, mishandled poison drinking.
- Lorrie Moore

Given that marriage increases a man's life expectancy and decreases a woman's, logically we should be the ones to offer it. It's our sacrifice, after all.
- Victoria Coren

When you're young, you think of marriage as a train you simply have to catch. You run and run until you've caught it, and then you sit back and look out of the window and realize you're bored.
- Elizabeth Bowen

Women's friendships are unspoken and undervalued.
- Anita Diamant

Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
- Oprah Winfrey

Nothing kills a female friendship faster than an admission of fear, failure, misery or confusion that isn't immediatly reciprocated.
- Maureen Freely

Sometimes I think that it is the sole purpose of girlfriends to give false hope.
- Jane Slavin

You fall in love, you may just as well issue a statement to your friends. "Bye, see you in five years. When we've broken up. And we really need you."
- Rhona Cameron

The best time to make friends is before you need them.
- Ethel Barrymore

I've never belonged to any group or huddle of any kind. You cannot be an artist and work collectively.
- Katherine Anne Porter

I love my friends tenderly and blindly. All others I have profoundly detested. I feel no ardour now for hatred; but I am cold as death to those whom I do not know.
- George Sand

And then, of course, if one's lonely, one often feels rather superior too.
- Stevie Smith

Television has proved that people will look at anything but each other.
- Ann Landers

To be successful, the first thing to do is fall in love with your work.
- Sister Mary Lauretta

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.
- Erica Jong

I can do to him whatever I like. I'm allowed to torture him as much as I want. He's mine.
- J. K. Rowling on Harry Potter

A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know.
- Diane Arbus

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
- Ann Landers

The two most beautiful words in the English language are: "cheque enclosed".
- Dorothy Parker

I hate Barbie ... my inner anti-capitalist hates the global corporation of the brand; yes, my inner feminist despises the impossible body aesthetic which is forced on to young girls at an impressionable age; and yes, my friend Danielle owned a Barbie while I had to make do with the cheap knock-off doll which had only two outfits and no horse.
- Victoria Coren

Price-tag hunting is a favourite indoor sport.
- Renee Long

Despicable!

2005-10-24T20:00:00.000+03:00

I can't help but laugh at myself. I truly am a lethargic being. The word "malee khelg" finds itself in almost all of my conversations, more than I'd like it to be, it's an automated response!

For example, on Saturday, I was on my way to work. I stepped into the building and saw that the elevator was "under construction", I immediatly did a u-turn and speedily walked away. I thought about taking the stairs but I was too tired as usual and because it was on the 3rd floor. FYI they have steep steps, tres scary.

However, I do experience the extreme opposite and get really hyper. The probability of that happening is smaller than winning the lottery.

At home, I am the most quiet person you could ever meet. Not because I have nothing to say, quite the contrary, I don't speak because I don't feel like talking. If someone asks a question, I either: nod, shake my head, shrug my shoulders, raise my eyebrows or act as if I didn't hear anything. And if it's a really special occasion, I would mutter a 'mmHHmm'.

When conversing with people outside the household, I can't keep my mouth closed. I'm assuming that me being quiet at home can be seen as conserving energy to talk my head off later. I'm not an obnoxious, loud speaker. I take the opportunity to speak to practice my eloquent style of speech. That's why I love discussions, I sound so smart, not that I'm implying I'm not. To think of it, I'm going to be the group speaker for tomorrows discussion in political science. Should be interesting.

Ugh.

2005-10-22T18:22:00.000+03:00

What happens when a person is better than average in any given subject. What if you are able to accomplish a task even with mediocre results, but you can do it. What if you're above average in something that is guaranteed to help you in the future, career wise, but you're excellent in a path that is rarely taken and can prove to be risky when thinking about a profession to follow.

I want to drop everything and go.

When weighing out the opposing sides, I can go through university getting a BBA with double concentrations, get a job and just work. Probably get a masters later. Or...

I could go to art school.

I've lost the will to study and concentrate in university knowing that there's a path I've ignored to see. I constantly wonder where I would be now and what I would be doing if I had chosen to go to art school. I weigh the possibilities of dropping out and starting all over on a daily basis.

I look at my old artworks and daydream. I can see them pleading for me to change my mind. I didn't have courage then, and I'm wondering if I actually do now.

Nostalgic

2005-10-19T20:42:00.000+03:00

I've noticed that anything that has influenced me when I was younger, I regard as being non-debatable and an undeniable fact. It's true that children have a life lasting impression of things they have been exposed to. For instance, I cannot hate Michael Jackson, for the life of me, I simply can't! My childhood revolves around him, and no matter how many accusations are thrown his way, I still respect him. I can't think of him without being reminded of how my family and I obsess over his music, dance moves, and his whole being...

No this is not a post dedicated to the King of Pop, maybe indirectly, but I've noticed that it also applies to different situations. In my early years, everyone I knew started off with a 100% perfection rate, I was convinced that they are wise, all knowing, flawless and was graced with their presence. As the years passed by, conflicts within myself began to take center stage and I was shocked to notice that people aren't as immaculate as I assumed them to be. This transition began deteriorating what was left of my childish innocence, and I began feeding myself with emotional intelligence. Having really honest parents can be a benefit, but sadly my early perseverance for knowing the brutal truths of life shortened the span of my childhood. If only I knew what the consequences were.

Now, people start with a 0% perfection rate, as I believe everyone should. But who am I to judge...

Runs in the family

2005-10-19T00:08:00.000+03:00

I've always wondered what part of my personality pertains to which one of my parents, which gene codes for my absent mindedness, which one codes for my volatile temper that erupts only in significant situations? The "good" traits I can over look, I can easily see from which parent they come from. However, the more deeper, mysterious ones that I can't blatantly analyze intrigue me.

I'm sure bits and pieces of my personality are evident in my parents, I think the more I study myself, the more I'll understand the dynamic duo! I'm going to jot down some fun facts of yours truly... vanity is a virtue.

I always prepare myself for the worst, so I won't be disappointed, but I'm not a pessimist. You can say a momentary minute of denial to ease my mind.
I always expect people to be on the same thinking level as I am. I never thought people would have different mind sets that would complicate the way I communicate with them.
I am extremely optimistic, contrary to popular belief, & I am realistic and idealistic at the same time.
I loathe people who take advantage of me, or others to be exact. Befriending someone is a privilege, not a God given right.
I root for the underdog, I love hearing about their success stories, gives me a glimmer of hope.
I always keep a secret. Because I am true to my word, and also because I don't like the whole process of talking and retelling stuff. Wastes so much of my energy.
I can't seem to remember peoples faces when I go out, I just remember objects and incidents.
I have this annoying habit of counting. When someone speaks, mostly on TV, I count the number of letters in the words that are being said. Takes my mind of things and helped me tremendously on my counting skills when I was younger.
I always stretch my eyes, never thought of doing that right?
I have a 'creative' sense of humor, others just call it lame.
I have ambitions like no other person I've ever met, I want to do anything and everything!
I don't believe in failure. I just see failure as an obstacle that has to be tackled.

My latest project is to learn to cook! I'm finally recognizing how essential it is to surviving!
Other than that, my side projects are to put my new camera to use, get my daily dose of exercise, decide between archery and rifle shooting. And where I went to spend the weekend...

Oh, and I had an ethical incident today, an aquaintance wanted me to correct her version of the quiz that we took, burdening me with the responsibility of altering her answers, I wanted to help though I knew there was no way I could. Everytime I deducted a point, I felt a pang of guilt. She got 4/10.

Cardinal Rules

2005-10-13T00:39:00.000+03:00

I believe everyone has an intangible code book of rules and regulations that they personally abide by, either influenced by parents or other important figures that have shaped their personalities. A guide book of sorts, to ease the the reprecussions of what life may blow your way. I have strong values, unbreakable, to a point where they have authority over what I do, say and even think.

I believe that justice will be served to those who deserve it the most, nothing goes unforgiven.

I believe in karma. The people that you once looked down on in the ladder of life can somehow be above you when you most need a helping hand.

I believe you can know a character of a person by seeing how they act towards people they don't need anything from. I strongly believe in this by experience, I see it every single day.

I believe that patience is a virtue. Patience is not waiting for something to happen, it is having the will to withstand adversities with a sense of serenity and peace.

I believe that silence is golden. I admire people who have to say something, not just talk. Hearing someone say something meaningful doesn't happen as often as I'd like to. Stimulation of the mind, articulating thoughts and opinions that better a person. Also, people don't recognize the beauty of silence, you hear something even if it isn't there. Silence is not the absence of noise, it is in it's own genre.

I believe in honesty, it removes all kinds of unnecessary complications and misunderstandings. A person can't be honest with others if they are not honest with theirselves.

I believe I should do to others what I want to be done to myself. I assume that actions I take will reciprocate themselves and I'll find myself reaping the rewards of my behavior. However, this is probable and not proven to be exact, I still believe that I am responsible for my actions and the effects they garner.

I believe in loyalty. Where can there be a society without loyalty? Loyalty can be subjected to many different aspects, to all I deem the utter degree of respect. Loyalty, to your word, to your family, to your friends, to your country, to your self. An oath is sacred.

I believe in pride & self-respect. A person is an entity, a state within ones self, I don't accept the fact that any human being can trespass into my borders uninvited, I don't accept being tainted by a persons actions. I also believe that what you do will be reflected onto yourself, you are responsible of creating your image. I believe you represent what you value and hold important to everyone you encounter every single second of the day. Hold yourself up high.

I believe that I am getting tired and should continue this post later... there is alot I have to cover.

Irony

2005-10-12T19:51:00.000+03:00

Isn't it ironic that the US and other countries have criticized our long awaited approval of females having a presence in Kuwaiti political life, while in fact the US have gained their independence in 1776 and gave women the right to vote in 1920?

Something to think about. How people are quick to judge, and don't check up on their own history. A person living during the independence couldn't, only if he lived until 144 and was born in 1776, could experience the event of women entering the political arena. Now, consider this, many people in Kuwait have witnessed the nation forming officially in 1961 and have the chance to see it progressing and giving the women the right to vote 44 years later.

The difference is a century. It's significant enough.

-cough-

2005-10-08T18:53:00.000+03:00

Medication is evil, I'm going to stop taking it tomorrow to FEEL the difference. Ever since I've been taking the meds, I've been feeling drowsy 24/7, my head feels like a gallon of cows milk, swish swosh, left to right, right to left. That's not the problem, who would DARE put 'memory loss, dementia, slight delusions, hallucinations' under SYMPTOMS in the meds leaflet!

Now if I was a person that DOESN'T read everything in sight, I would believe the 'delusions' I've been seeing (I've been seeing a few) to be actually true! Right now, I'm in a catch 22, if I do take the meds, I'll eventually get better and I'll have control over my memory and the delusional episodes will hopefully fade away. If I do not, on the other hand, I don't even want to know what would've happened to me.

I love reading leaflets, info papers, broucheres, back of products, anything that has words! I've come to some conclusions...

I don't think we need to have instructions on the back of shampoo bottles, conditioner I understand, but shampoo? Lather, rinse, repeat? Think Phoebe's jingle on Friends.

I also have to stop my addiction of reading the last paragraph of a book before actually starting it. It does not help at all. It gives me a sense of satisfaction to see where the book is heading and when I reach the final pages, everything falls into place. I have a bitter-sweet relationship on being caught by surprise. If I have the source of finding out how its going to end up, I take advantage of it! Also, the ending gives you a preview of the beginning, it shows the credibility of the writer, is the ending written with extra care, or is it finished with haste?

That's the perfectionist streak of me, I used to think it was a blessing, but it's turning more into a curse everyday. I want everything to be perfect that I don't even start what i want to do. I have to have everything in check, no flaws, no miscalculated surprises. I faced this problem during my last 2 years in highschool. I was in a 2 year art course, and I had limitless ideas, all imagined in my mind. I literally could not wait to start working on my artworks. I just had one problem, actualizing them was trouble. I could not bear the process of going from one step to the other, feeling I would mess up somewhere. I had trouble even starting, artists block. Eventually, through a year of self-acceptance, I started being more lenient towards myself, and giving myself the right amount of support and judgement.

And the artworks started rolling.

2005-10-04T17:26:00.001+03:00

Ramadan Kareem!

-Sigh- Songs

2005-10-04T17:26:00.000+03:00

What If - 112
I Miss You - Aaliyah
Crying - Aerosmith
Fallin' - Alicia Keys
Don't Let Them - Ashanti
Leaving (Always On Time Pt. 2) - Ashanti
Foolish - Ashanti
Hard For Me To Say I'm Sorry - Az Yet
When Can I See You Again - Baby Face
Incomplete - Backstreet Boys
Dangerously In Love - Beyoncé
4 Seasons of Love - Boyz II Men
One Call Away - Chingy
And I - Ciara
Come Close To Me - Common Ft. Mary J Blige
Unbelievable - Craig David
Cater To You - Destinys Child
I Cant Help Falling In Love With You - Elvis Presley
Love of My Life - Erykah badu & Common
More Than Words - Frankie J
Out Of Reach - Gabrielle
Stop - Jamelia
Holding On - Jay Sean
Cry Me A River (Remix) - Justin Timberlake / 50 Cent
Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson
Ex-Factor -Lauren Hill
Everytime I Close My Eyes -Mariah Carey, Baby Face & Kenny G
How Could You -Mario
I dont wanna know - Mario Winans feat. P. Diddy
You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson
Teary Eyed - Missy Elliott
Gone - N Sync
Over And Over Again - Nelly (Ft. Tim McGraw)
This I Swear - Nick Lachey
O - Omarion
One Wish - Ray J
True - Ryan Cabrera
Too Lost In You - Sugababes
How You Gonna Act Like That - Tyrese
U Got It Bad - Usher
Let it Burn! - Usher
Confessions Part II - Usher
Two Wrongs(featuring Claudette Ortiz of City High) - Wyclef Jean

Lazy Bum

2005-10-03T13:13:00.000+03:00

I remember a time at the end of the second semester, I took my work for granted and never showed up for anything. There was a point in time where I didn’t work for an entire month, looking back at it, an entire month! What was I thinking, I felt so childish. I seriously don’t know how to be professional, I expect everything to run on my standards, and I have a way of creating reasons why I shouldn’t actually be going. Later on, when my job was in jeopardy, I felt so guilty for not taking advantage of it, of not actually working. I later realized that there was a number of people wanting for me to screw up just to take my place, it was disgusting. I had a person tell me that I should take the news of me being fired not so personally, and that it would be happening soon. I thought I wouldn’t care, but deep down I did. I became neurotic, I was anxious, I was waiting for the news, but it never came, and that made me even more nervous! My supervisor at that time was not one of my favorite people, so I decided not to confront the situation at that particular moment, I let the summer pass by, and then got a call for me to pass by the university. I supposed that it was just for a couple of hours, but then I saw a chance of getting my job back, not that it was taken away, just to actually live up to the responsibility.

I didn’t show up for work today, I’m scared that I’m going to go back to my old habit. My current supervisor is a DOLL, I seriously love her and she is such a positive role model, and she doesn’t deserve to have a slacker working with her. I’m trying to set a professional mentality in my head and I hope it works!

Twenty

2005-10-02T13:13:00.000+03:00

I celebrated my birthday yesterday, even though it really is today. I invited a hanful of friends and dined at my favorite restaurant. It was really remarkable to notice how alot has changed in one year. I vividly remember myself the same day last year, I was at the university, in a meeting, feeling so depressed. I was feeling down that day, not because no one remembered my birthday, but just because I was alone. I wasn’t physically alone, I felt like a loner, a person existing, not living. I do give the people in the meeting some credit for getting me a cake and all, but they were merely acquaintances, I bet they felt sorry for me. However, I do feel grateful for their genuine thoughtfulness.

But today, I actually felt that it was my birthday, my special day. Keyword being “MY”. I might share the day with millions of people, but for that day in time, I could say that it was my time to shine for just being born into this world! I didn’t have to have a convincing reason to feel special and cared for. How amazing one year could change everything, surrounded by friends, I felt I DESERVED being pampered and being indescribably happy! Just for one day in the year, I want to indulge myself, feel that I am worth being important in my special day. I just want to take it for granted, however selfish that may sound.

FYI. I share my birthday with Mahatma Gandhi, Sting, and one of my friends dad!

Oh, and special thanks goes to my mom, its her special day today too, she got me!

Hello World!

2005-09-28T13:11:00.000+03:00

Finally! A place where my connection can easily connect to and a seemingly prospective area to practice what I preach. To basically describe the phase that I am in my life would be best said in two words, ‘NOT ENOUGH’! There is alot I have yet to accomplish, not things that I have decisively calculated and put much thought into, but just fulfilling things that happen in the spur of the moment, something that I can recognize myself as achieving or mastering. In simple terms, I want to do something worthwhile.

I don’t have the decency to pity myself even though that would be a simple route to take, but I’m feeling the constraint day after day. Feeling that the endless cycle that I’ve put myself into will be solid as fast as drying cement, I have to change the routine. I have to break the cycle. There are the sayers and there are the do-ers, I respect the latter, but can’t count myself as one of them. It probably is the lethargic side in me that is telling me to stop being so sensitive and continue eating chocolate biscuits and watching the latest episode of Oprah.

Oprah, she’s a do-er.